It seems like the theme of therapy every week before a major holiday is self care. How do you not undo all the progress you have made because of other people's issues?
The holidays can bring out the best in people and it can bring out the worst. Expectations are usually high that this will be the perfect gathering and while most are on their best behavior, there is always one in the group that will bring up an issue that is like nails on a chalkboard. Our family is our family and our family can also be homophobic, transphobic, sexist, racist, aggressive, unstable, unsafe, unloving, and ill-informed. While we are all affected by these people on a macro level, when it's your family, it becomes a lot more real and more difficult to ignore, like getting shot in the head, just ask Ron Swanson!
So how do you maintain all the work you have done when grandma questions the legitimacy of the #metoo movement? Well first, remind your self that "Grandma got run over by a Toyota Corolla" does not have the same ring to it as "Grandma got run over by a Reindeer" so take that option off the table. Second, what is your relationship with Grandma like? Is it safe and supportive or is it dismissive and sharp? If you feel like you can share your #metoo experience with Grandma and she would actually learn from your experience then tell her. I have found that a lot of people don't believe these stories because they do not have personal experience with it themselves and it is hard to imagine that someone they love has experienced this. If she is one of those people who are rigid and would most likely not believe you, become defensive or victim blame, then it's time for some self care.
There is no right way to take care of your self and sometimes you have to great creative!
- Offer to run out and grab more ice (you can never have enough ice at a party!) and just drive around looking at pretty lights until you return and tell your family you went to 6 different stores and they were all sold out.
- Text a friend, you are not the only one with a racist uncle.
- Stomach issues! No one ever questions diarrhea....sorry gotta go lay down/sit in the bathroom for an hour/go home.
- Offer to sit at the kid's table, if they are lucky, most kids just want to talk about the gross things they found on the school playground, not about how immigrants are stealing their jobs.
- Don't forget to breathe! Take a few deep breaths when feeling overwhelmed. Sometimes when we get tense we don't take in as much oxygen which can cause us to feel even more distress without even knowing it.
- Go look for something in your car and spend 30 minutes counting the change on your floor.
- Or better yet, pretend to take a phone call and go sit in your car and watch some funny video clips.
- Talk to yourself, not out loud of course, but have a running inner monologue on what you would really like to say to some of these people.
- Is there a dog or cat you can go spend time with? Petting an animal has been shown to reduce blood pressure and calm people down. Also pets will never ask you who you voted for.
- Laugh, swear, and then laugh again. Studies have shown that laughter and swearing can actually decrease pain. So get the fuck out there and laugh your ass off!
While these are just suggestions, it's important for you to do what is right for YOU. If flipping Grandma the Christmas bird and leaving the party is what you need to do for you to take care of yourself, then that is what you need to do. Don't let other people's issues derail your progress.
Stay angry or stay calm, but always stay you
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